The "Why" behind my trip to Paris that you aren't expecting.
Before you begin reading, let me tell you this is not a travel blog on how amazingly beautiful Paris is, but it is the very real honest reason why I went.
Firstly, I don't think I am alone with these feelings or the circumstance that made them feel real for me. So I hope anyone that is reading and going through this situation right now will know that you are better than it and you can come out of it.
For 6 years I have been living each day with a trigger that has told me at every opportunity that I am worthless, that I do not deserve to be successful, happy, free or loved. This trigger is a person.
For my whole life I have always expected that people regardless of how they acted had empathy. It was deep down and would resurface, eventually. This frame of thought has stemmed from feeling that my nightmare that came from my childhood would end and that by some miracle I would not be the one that had to fix it. Little did I know that because I had unresolved issues with my past that I was actually encouraging and enabling this toxic environment.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been told to "Walk away" "They don't deserve you" They have no right to talk to you like that". Being honest, I believed it. I believed every single word I was being told. I convinced myself that because I was told these things as a child, that surely it was true and no matter what anyone else said to argue these horrible things being said to me, it had to be true, as even as a child I was told that I was unworthy, unloved and didn't deserve happiness.
For 4 years I lived in a relationship that made me feel each day that my existence alone was a nuisance. That I was only beneficial for feeding their addictions and allowing their anger to be let out at my expense. I lived with it because I felt inside that it was all I deserved.
At each sign of happiness whether it was a birthday, work event, break away it was weighed heavy by being told "You think your great" Who do you think you are" "Anyone else deserves it but not you"
so I began to dread any occasions that would involve excitement or happiness. I completely regressed back to the 9 year old girl sitting in her room and feeling like the walls will never expand and leave her out.
Two years ago I became exhausted. I was ill a lot and completely worn out. I was absolutely broke and spent everyday anxious about what was going to happen next. Now I was always told that because I wasn't been psychically hurt by this person that they had the right to rob me, emotionally tear me down at every opportunity and convince me that I wasn't good enough for anyone, even my children.
I decided to look up a counselor and my journey with understanding why I allowed this in my life became very clear. Last year, if any of you follow me, I went back to counselling because even though I had ended this toxic relationship, this person still continued to use any opportunity to tell me how little I was worth to the world and how my achievements meant nothing and would go nowhere. I felt like I was trapped. I went back to counselling to look at where this all started and I explored the 9 year old girl that felt like she was unloved.
I began through counselling to see that it was never my fault. I attracted this relationship because I didn't have any boundaries or respect for myself but more importantly I needed to understand why these horrible things had happened to me as a child so that I didn't have to feel like it was my fault anymore.
I started (for the first time in my whole life) to believe that I deserved happiness. I deserved the life that I worked so hard for. So I called a friend and booked Paris in December. For years I would of never dreamed of doing this because I felt trapped in the lies of someone else.
On the second day in Paris I walked around the city by myself and I can only describe the feeling as Freedom. My children were looked after, I didn't have anyone telling me I wasn't good enough to be there and I just took every minute as it was meant to be. I have honestly never felt so relaxed in myself.
My reason for booking Disneyland, was so I could feel unbelievable happiness, one very like the moment my boys were born, I call it Wow Happy and that's exactly what it was. I went because I deserved it. I deserved to be happy. I still do and Paris made me realise I could be happy. Something I had allowed someone to convince me otherwise.
I'm not going to end this post on "Now everything is fantastic" because my trigger is still there but the more I believe in myself and the truth, then the less time I give that persons words in my head no matter how many times they still tell me it feels different. I don't believe them anymore. I believe what is fact and that fact is I do deserve to be happy, I do deserve to be successful in anything I work hard for and I do deserve to be free.
For years to save on confrontation I would say no to opportunities and experience that were offered to me and now I'm saying yes. I love my own company and only allow "My Trigger" to have space in my life when it is absolutely essential and necessary.
Bullying became a part of my life because I was more than capable of bullying myself.
Small changes in my life have been to reward myself for working hard, on myself and in all areas of my life. I'm still hard on myself at times but I can honestly say that, my nightmare situation, is coming to an end. I no longer dwell on beating myself up and I don't allow it to sit well with me or get comfortable with it. I'm excited now when I never trusted excitement or happiness.
I AM ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY, I DESERVE IT AND I AM ENOUGH.
If you feel like you are in the situation that I describe in this post, please ask for help and talk to someone. Resources and a list of counsellors in Ireland is available on www.iacp.ie . If you are struggling with finance please speak to your doctor for options that are available to you.
You can call The Samaritans on 116123 for guidance or an ear to listen.